The beginning of the end

11/8/2010

Today she lost her cellphone, then she wants to cut the service of the phone, yet the number is registered under her friend's boyfriend, and her friends also just broke up with that guy and didn't contact each other already. So it makes it hard to retrieve back her sim card, as she decide to cut the service her friend ask her to cut the service of my number also since we are all register under his name, so she don't need to contact that guy anymore and stuffs, but I want to remain my number but it's impossible the change my number back to prepaid without that guy's help. Then she keep ask me to cut the number, then I just say loudly I just wants to remain my number can't you understand??After that she cried, says that I never scolded her before, I have changed thingys. Well I admit I have changed that's why I want to break with her, I don't want her to see me like this, out of control, this thing will happen again if we continue the relationship. Night we went out we few friends, about 11pm I decided to go back to my hostel and pack my stuffs to back to Melaka the next morning. She was tired so she says she wants to follow me to my place and have a nap while the others are having their dinner at the mamak stall nearby. After we went up, she suddenly hold my hand and ask me what are our current relationship?I told her best friend. After awhile tears start roll down and I don't know what to do. Then she sort of begged me to get back to her, I keep refuse due to what happened this afternoon and some other stuffs. After a moment the others came back and bought me some food, they knocked the door and she doesn't allow me to open the door. So I wait her cool down for a moment only went to open the door but they went into their rooms already. Then until 12 something she is still crying to get back together she said if I don't promise her she don't want to go back to her hostel. Then I just don't care and asked her friend to fetch her back, she keep asked me how is she going to live without me. In my heart I was saying this is crap, nobody needs a person to continue their life, without sun, earth will still be spinning. Then she goes back.

12/8/2010

Today from the morning till afternoon she is still on the same topic. I am tired of repeating myself everytime she ask again and again and again and again, I make myself clear and told her that this is the last time I am saying we can't get back together already. So, stop fucking asking me! Then she said to me she feels like dying. She wants to die stuffs. This makes me more and more annoyed. I keep saying that I can't love you as much as last time already and keep her stop thinking bout death can solve everything. Then she just gave me a reply, "This is the last time you are going to talk to me on this world." After awhile she didn't reply she off-ed her phone and I can't contact her anyway so I continue to talk with my friend who just came to my house, in the evening she messaged me and said she ate panadols already, soon going to fall asleep, ask me to tell her I love her before she gets asleep, I panicked and keep on comfort her that there is no need to die. She keep force my to promise her I will get back with her in order to make her make herself vomit the panadols she ate out. I have no choice and I HATE IT! I promised her. Yet now, I feel like it's going to be my turn to suicide next. She just can't respect me, can't respect my decision, can't understand me, so selfish.

*sigh* wish I still have life to update the latest "news".

7/8/2010

Well for today was just straw, straw, straw, tired, tired, straw, tired, straw, tired, straw, tired, straw,tired, and STRAW AND TIRED!!!!!Still I have to do my project, then she asked me whether she can come over my place or not cause she need to wash clothes, but at that time I was still in college doing my assignment so I told her to ask her friend whether today can go her house overnight or not. The girl says yes, then at night that girl she's also same group with me for the project but she didn't plan to stay overnight at college and do. Then I end up doing another project when I go back to college after my dinner at Alif mamak stall. After doing it for awhile the other group members are going back already since it's kinda late. Then we sort of nothing to do for awhile she's at there too so she saw us doing nothing and she ask me to go back today since everyone is already back and you are doing nothing. Then there is a bigger possibility that tomorrow will need to stay overnight at college and I can finish my project at home tonight also. So I agreed and went back she come to here use my everything and leave lots of things here. Which makes me kinda mad, well I don't like seeing my stuffs are in a mess I need to help her do the laundry also. Can't even do my project peacefully and do my online stuffs peacefully. I wants to facebook awhile also she keep disturb me, then don't want to sleep till 3.12am. =/ I guess this is the night for me. Hoping that she doesn't come so often.

4/8/2010

Last night she messaged me, talk bout some stuffs then I guess she starts to accept that we can still be friends. Then she slept surprisingly early like 9 something. On the other hand, I slept at 4am which is very late due to oral presentation this morning and some project meeting. Well, still have two assignments more to go after today's oral presentation. Today's presentation I felt more nervous than other times after seeing my friends in the class did so well for it. They are superb, can see that they are not nervous at all, fluent and have their points. For me I feel I did badly but lecturer still say that it's not bad just that my part of slide have too much words already, the people listening to the presentation will intend to read rather than listen to me. After presentation I felt relieved and happy. Then my friends and I had our lunch at face-to-face again. Sigh.....(feels like eating there quite often this week) Now I am just tired but I still have to do my project because we need to done everything on the coming Monday.

Tonight had fun in campus's lecture theater watching "The Exorcist" which suppose to be a horror movie, but it ends up a comedy for us. Then after the show when my friends and I are at the car park, I saw other group of friends get into their car already and I run there and stick to the side door of the car and the girl got scared and scream, the guy got scared too. Had a fun night but now I have to get going with my assignments. =(

31/7/2010, evening she say she wants to come overnight at my place at 1st I rejected, then she say she got sick and she can't sleep well at her hostel, so I let her come. She came at 5 something, it was raining heavily luckily she brought an umbrella along, still the umbrella is not enough to cover the rain, due to wind, etc. so she reach here half wet. Then I helped her with her stuffs and helped her clean up herself, awhile later we went for dinner at "face-to-face" had a kinda happy meal there. After that we watched some movies together because too bored and nothing much to talk about halfway of the movie I kind of slept then she woke me. Then I go to my housemate's room to sleep.

1/8/2010, I woke up extra late today which is kind of abnormal for me. Because these days I can only sleep for 6 hours then I will automatically wake up. Well after awake she says she feeling sick so I made her hor yan ho herb tea for her but after drinking it she vomited quite a few times. When I just went out for awhile, she open my blog and read a few sentences and I immediately stopped her. Yet, she kind of cried then went out say let's go for lunch. After lunch, we went to find notebook which she need it. 7pm, my friends called for meeting which I already forgotten or I can say is I don't even know the time and we both haven't had our dinner yet. During meeting, I called her friend later need to fetch her back to her hostel, and she gave me a look and ask "who said I want to back to my hostel??" So I asked her, if you don't back to your hostel then tonight where she sleep. She answer me like it's so obvious, "your hostel lo......" Well, this is the time where I feel I need some space for myself and come on we have already break and where is my freedom??even after break up I also can't get my freedom??Then she gets emotional again, and tells me tomorrow she doesn't have class and have nothing to do plus she is sick blah, blah. My heart tells me well this is the last time letting her do things in her own way already, after that I will try to pull myself back up.

My Love Journey

My relationship with this girl started on 23/9/2008. We had fun times and sad times like all couples does. Sometimes I feel like wants to end this relationship due to some reasons, and when I think about it I'll just suddenly think that later I will hurt her and I don't want to hurt her. So I just tell myself to try continue this relationship with her.

Then this few days, since I get into my college life she is being emotional everyday and I need to make her happy everyday even when I am rushing my assignments for submission the next morning when it's already 3am. Everytime after I finish my assignments the 1st thing that comes into my mind is SLEEP but I can't because of her I have to chat on phone with her till she sleeps. Due to sleep late EVERYDAY my emotional control kinda lost also I don't know why sometimes when people ask me bout something I shout back the answer and people feels like I am angry bout something that I am not. I didn't mean to do all those stuffs these days. I also just realized that I should spend more time with my family after get to college. Especially with parents I missed them so much when there is so much problems wish i can get into their hands to hold me tight again.

Sometimes she will unhappy for a moment then the next moment she can act like she wasn't upset by anything just now, which makes me feels "What's wrong with her?" She the kind of people that if got anything they just kept in their mind. I think I am tired of cheering her up daily, guessing what's in her mind daily, worrying she will be upset by anything.......

I think I am just tired already.

On 25/7/2010 the day I really can't take it anymore and I just request for break up. It's the day I feels I shouldn't care so much bout her anymore I need to think for myself and I need to stop myself suffering in this misery. Love should be two parties working together not just one side working. One sided love will never ever work she cares me like less already. Well.........

I am the only child in my family so I can easily feel who is caring bout me who is not.

28/7/2010, I feel maybe alcohol will be the cure for everything so I bought around 8 cans of beer and drink it all alone. That night I've told her I'm not at home just don't want her to know that I was drinking that night. YET she came to my hostel and my friends told me that she asked him to open the door for her, she wants to pass something back to me and my friend told me he success in preventing her from coming up and at that time I was already half drunk. Midnight I guess I felt hungry cause the next morning I wake up finding myself sleeping in a mamak stall nearby my hostel.

29/7/2010, today I am happy BUT in the noon she suddenly message me "Can you help me open the door for me please?" that time I wasn't even at home. At that time I was angry because she just come to my house without telling me a SHIT.......Then I told her that I am not at home. She said "O....nevermind la then I will just walk back......." In my mind,"OH GOSH WALK BACK?!This is KL what do you this is??Melaka?!" Then I just decided to take bus back then brought her upstairs she wasn't talking anything and I was kind of tired because in the morning after wake up at the mamak i go back packed up then I went for a swim at my friend's place. I just lie there and didn't start any converse with her just give her back whatever that's belong to her.........Then she lie on the other end of the bed so I think that she's tired as well so I gave her my blanket because it's kind of cold in my room and I get up from my bed and sit up to do my facebook-ing and msn-ing stuffs. After awhile she gets up and see what am I doing and that time is also near dinner time..........Just going to skip some part. After dinner a friend asked wannna go play pool?And that will be a yes for me so i invited her, and my housemate too......We went and back happily so i did sleep peacefully that night without calling her because as for now, I take our relationship as friends.

30/7/2010, today during class I just suddenly feel so freakin happy mostly due to she accepted we continue our relationship just as friends for now already. Then when I just reach home, she just asked me what's our relationship now?(via sms) I answer her friend. Then she starts everything again. AGAIN she ruined my day when I thought everything would be OK already. It seems I am just so wrong bout that.Tonight I bought 12cans of beer thought i can get drunk again and don't need to think bout anything anymore. But I was wrong..........I start drinking at 10++pm till 4am today I didn't get drunk at all just feeling hot. Now I really don't know what to do and I have been posting LOTS of status on facebook complaining stuffs and I feels my friends on facebook will feel that I am annoying and stuffs so I feels i need a place to write out my feelings so I just create a blog. Because I feel that no one understand me. Maybe I just confused I feel I am such disgrace to my family for drinking so much these days.